


The Magnificent Seven (3.01)

by ackles_ass_equation



Series: Superghetto [46]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Related, Demon Ruby, Episode: s03e01 The Magnificent Seven, Ruby's Knife, Screenplay/Script Format, Seven Deadly Sins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 07:21:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7213177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ackles_ass_equation/pseuds/ackles_ass_equation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seven demons, based on tha Seven Deadly Sins, is busted out tha fuck into tha ghetto n' tha brothers must combat dem wit tha aid of a hooked up Hunta couple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. NOW

Oak Park, Illinois  
  
We pan over a thugged-out dark suburban hood street n' focus up in on one sickly kept house.

A playa up in his cold-ass thirties, wit red afro n' a funky-ass beard, exits tha doggy den wit a ounce ta tha bounce of garbage yo. Dude takes it up ta tha garbage cans n' stuffs it in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. As da thug strutts back ta tha house, tha garbage cans rattle yo. Dude stares, struttin cautiously towardz dem wild-ass muthafuckas. They continue ta rattle; he looks up n' sees a thugged-out demonic cloud swirlin over tha Chicago skyline up in tha distance.

Panicked, he runs back towardz tha crib yo, but trips before he gets there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho fo' realz. A tendril of demon smoke pours tha fuck into his crazy-ass grill.

Dude opens his wild lil' fuckin eyes; they is black. Da now-possessed playa stands, lookin towardz tha rest of tha demonic cloud now streamin towardz Chicago, n' smiles.

 


	2. ACT ONE

SUBTITLE:  
One Week Later

Sam is chillin up in tha Impala up in tha dark, readin a funky-ass book wit a gangbangin' flashlight. Da header all up in tha top of tha page readz "Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Faustus", n' there be a shiznit bout Crossroadz Deals. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sam looks up ta peep Dean inside tha doggy den across from him; he is bustin only a undershirt. Dean grins n' gives Sam a thugged-out double-thumbs up, at which Sam shakes his head, smilin fondly fo' realz. A Hot Girl comes tha fuck into frame from off right, n' Dean shuts tha sheer curtains; they can be peeped undressin each other up in silhouette. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sam smilez affectionately n' is turnin back ta his book, when his beeper rings.

 **SAM  
** Hello.

 **BOBBY**  
(seen rollin along another dark highway up in his own beat-up car)  
Yo, Sam.

 **SAM  
** Yo, Bobby.

 **BOBBY  
** Whatcha bustin?

 **SAM  
** Oh, same old, same old.

 **BOBBY**  
Yo ass buried up in dat book again?  
(BOBBY pauses. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM grimaces)  
Sam, you wanna break Dean free of dat demon deal, you ain't gonna find tha answer up in no book.

 **SAM  
** Then where, Bobby?

 **BOBBY  
** Kid, I wish I knew. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So wherez yo' brother?

 **SAM**  
(glancin up ta peep DEAN frolickin up in silhouette all up in tha curtains)  
Pollin tha electorate.

 **BOBBY  
** What?

 **SAM  
** Never mind.

 **BOBBY  
** Well, you thugs betta pack it up. I be thinkin I finally found something.

**_CUT_ **

Inside tha house, SAM is knockin on tha bedroom door, n' openin it slowly. (Bachman Turner Overdrivez "Yo ass Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" is tha soundtrack.)

 **SAM**  
Dean?  
(he entas tha room)  
Dean, you- you conscious, biatch? Bobby called, n' tha pimpin' muthafucka be thinkin dat maybe we-  
(he stares up in horror as feminine moans n' DEANz "whoo-hoo" is heard)  
Oh, god.

Later, SAM n' DEAN is up in tha Impala, DEAN driving.

 **SAM  
** Let me peep yo' knife.

 **DEAN  
** What for?

 **SAM  
** So I can gouge mah eyes out.

 **DEAN  
** Dat shiznit was a funky-ass dope, natural act, Sam.

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but a part of y'all I never wanted ta see, Dean.

 **DEAN**  
(chuckles, slaps SAM on tha thigh)  
Yo, I appreciate you givin me a lil qualitizzle time wit tha Doublemint Twins.

 **SAM**  
(quietly)  
Yeah, no problem.

 **DEAN  
** Really, biatch? Well, I gots ta say, I was expectin a weary bust a funky-ass big-ass fart or a eye roll, something.

 **SAM  
** Fuck dat shit, not at all. Yo ass deserve ta git a lil fun.

 **DEAN**  
Well, I be up in violent agreement wit you there.  
(chuckles)  
Whatz Bobby got?

 **SAM  
** Not much fo' realz. A crop failure n' a cold-ass lil cicada swarm outside of Lincoln, Nebraska fo' realz. Ahh, could be demonic omens-

 **DEAN  
** Or could just be a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shitty-ass crop n' a funky-ass bug problem.

 **SAM  
** Yeah yo, but itz our only lead.

 **DEAN  
** Any freaky dirtnaps?

 **SAM  
** Nothang Bobby could find- not yet, anyway.

 **DEAN  
** It aint nuthin but weird, man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I mean, tha night tha devilz gate opened, all these weirdo storm cloudz was sighted over how tha fuck nuff ghettos?

 **SAM  
** Seventeen.

 **DEAN**  
Seventeen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. You'd be thinkin it would be "Apocalypse Now," but itz been five minutes n' bubkis.  
(SAM looks at him, confused. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! DEAN pauses.)  
What is tha demons waitin for?

 **SAM  
** Beats mah dirty ass.

 **DEAN  
** It aint nuthin but rollin me crazy. I rap , if itz gonna be war, I wish it would just start already.

 **SAM  
** I don't give a fuck, man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Be careful what tha fuck you wish for.

**_Just Outside Lincoln, Nebraska_ **

Da next morning, DEAN n' SAM pull up outside a gangbangin' farmhouse. DEAN gets up munchin on a sandwich or burger n' shit. Da air is filled wit tha sound of cicadas.

 **SAM  
** Hear dem cicadas?

 **DEAN  
** That can't be a phat sign.

 **SAM  
** No. Fuck dat shit, it can't.

 **BOBBY**  
(greetin them)  
So,we're smokin bacon cheeseburgers fo' breakfast, is we?

 **DEAN  
** Well, I sold mah ass. Got a year ta live. I ain't sweatin tha cholesterol.

 **SAM  
** So, Bobby, what tha fuck do you think, biatch? We gots a funky-ass biblical plague here or what?

 **BOBBY  
** Well, letz smoke up. Looks like tha swarmz ground zero.

 **DEAN**  
(poundin on tha farmhouse door)  
Candygram!

No answer but cicadas chirping. Dean picks tha lock n' opens tha door; they cover they noses up in disgust.

 **SAM  
** Thatz awful.

 **DEAN  
** That so can't be a phat sign.

Dean entas first, SAM behind his ass wit a glock drawn. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. They creep all up in tha house; stoppin up in tha second room, they can hear what tha fuck soundz like panicked screams.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass hear that?

They kick open tha next door; tha soundz turn up ta be comin from a televizzle set (playing, apparently, a episode of "Dallas"); a cold-ass lil crew of three is seated on tha couch, nuff muthafuckin minutes dead as fuckin fried chicken. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM n' DEAN recoil all up in tha increased stench.

 **SAM  
** Oh, mah god.

BOBBY entas all up in tha other side of tha room n' also recoils up in horror.

 **SAM  
** Bobby, what tha fuck tha hell happened here?

 **BOBBY  
** I don't give a gangbangin' fuck.

 **DEAN  
** Peep fo' sulfur.

 **BOBBY  
** Yeah.

Da three of dem rewind tha room; DEAN hears a noise up front n' whistlez on tha fuckin' down-lowly, then signals ta tha others dat he goin ta go check it out. BOBBY n' SAM circle round tha other direction.

Out front, DEAN exits cautiously, glock drawn, n' looks around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! As his schmoooove ass comes round tha doggy den he is knocked ta tha ground by a playa wit a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shotgun: ISAAC yo. His hoe, TAMARA, comes up behind his muthafuckin ass.

 **BOBBY**  
(comin up from tha other side)  
Isaac, biatch? Tamara?

 **TAMARA  
** Bobby. What tha hell is you bustin here?

 **BOBBY  
** I could ask tha same.

 **ISAAC  
** Heya, Bobby.

 **DEAN**  
(raisin a arm pitifully from tha ground n' wavin fo' attention)  
Hello. Bleedin here.

INT. ISAAC AND TAMARA'S PLACE

 **DEAN**  
(on tha phone, off-camera)  
Jizzy dawwwwg! That be a funky-ass dope name. Thatz mah sisterz name, actually.   
(continues)

 **ISAAC  
** Honey, biatch? Wherez tha Palo Santo?

 **TAMARA  
** Well, where'd you leave it?

 **ISAAC  
** I don't give a fuck, dear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Thatz why I be asking.

 **SAM  
** Palo Santo?

 **TAMARA  
** It aint nuthin but holy wood, from Peru fo'sho. It aint nuthin but toxic ta demons like holy gin n juice n' shit. Keeps tha bastardz nailed down while you exorcisin dem wild-ass muthafuckas.

Bitch digs up in a funky-ass bag n' pulls up a large, pointed stake. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch handz it ta Isaac wit a affectionate smile.

 **ISAAC  
** Nuff props, dear.

 **TAMARA  
** You'd lose yo' head if it wasn't fo' mah dirty ass.

 **SAM  
** So, how tha fuck long you two been married?

 **TAMARA  
** Eight muthafuckin years dis past June.

 **ISAAC  
** Da crew dat slays together...

 **SAM**  
Right. I be wit you there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So, how'd you git started?  
(awkward silence as TAMARA n' ISAAC peep each other, wit hard memories)  
I, uh, you know... I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit. It aint nuthin but not- thatz none of mah bidnizz.

 **TAMARA  
** Fuck dat shit, no. It aint nuthin but- itz all right.

 **DEAN**  
(finishin up on tha phone)  
Well, Jenny, if you look as pretty as you sound, I'd ludd ta have a ... "appletini'.  
(makin a gangbangin' grill all up in tha others all up in tha word "appletini")  
Yeah. Call you, biatch.  
(he hangs up n' addresses tha group)  
That was tha coronerz tech.

 **SAM  
** And?

 **DEAN  
** Git dis- dat whole crew, cause of dirtnap, biatch? Dehydration n' starvation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Therez no signz of restraint, no shit, no struggle. They just sat down n' never gots up.

 **BOBBY  
** But there was a gangbangin' straight-up stocked kitchen just yardz away.

 **SAM  
** Right. What tha fuck iz this, a thugged-out demon attack?

 **BOBBY  
** If it is, it aint like anythang I eva saw, n' I've peeped plenty.

 **DEAN  
** Well, what tha fuck now, biatch? What should our phat asses do?

 **ISAAC  
** Uh, "we're" not gonna do anything.

 **SAM  
** What do you mean?

 **ISAAC  
** Yo ass muthafuckas seem sick enough yo, but, dis ain't "Scooby-Doo," n' our phat asses don't play well wit others.

 **SAM  
** Well, I be thinkin we'd cover a shitload mo' ground if we all hit dat shiznit together.

 **ISAAC  
** No offense yo, but our asses aint crewin wit tha damn fools whoz ass let tha Devilz Gate git opened up in tha straight-up original gangsta place.

 **DEAN  
** No offense?

 **TAMARA**  
(admonishing)  
Isaac. Like you've never done cooked up a mistake.

 **ISAAC  
** Oh yeah, yeah. Locked mah keys up in tha car, turned mah laundry pink. Never brought on tha end of tha ghetto, though.

 **DEAN  
** (chuckles) All right. Thatz enough.

 **SAM**  
(quietly)  
Guys, dis aint helping. Dean-

 **ISAAC  
** Look, there be couple hundred mo' demons up there now, nahmeean, biatch? Us dudes don't give a fuck where they are, when they'll strike. There ain't enough huntas up in tha ghetto ta handle suttin' like all dis bullshit. Yo ass brought war down on our asses- on  _all_  of us.

 **TAMARA**  
(pullin ISAAC away)  
Okay. thatz like enough testosterone fo' now, nahmeean?

TAMARA n' ISAAC leave tha room.

Later, at nighttime, BOBBY looks up tha window, then shuts tha curtains. Out of tha darknizz beyond tha house, a mysterious lil' biatch, wit long blonde hair, steps up tha fuck into tha light. Biatch stares all up in tha house, calculatingly. (We learn much, much later, dat dis is RUBY.

INT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SHOP – DAY

Da REDHEADED MAN from tha TEASER strutts tha fuck into a cold-ass lil threadz shop yo. Dude approaches a funky-ass blonde biatch.

 **REDHEADED MAN  
** Excuse mah dirty ass.

 **BLONDE WOMAN  
** Yes?

 **RHM**  
(he places a hand on her shoulder n' nodz towardz a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shoe display across tha room)  
Those are... sick shoes.

 **BLONDE**  
(looking)  
Oh, yeah. They is sick.

Bitch approaches tha display, where a funky-ass brunette biatch is lookin at a pair of chronic pumps. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch stares at dem covetously.

 **BLONDE  
** Those is sick shoes.

 **BRUNETTE WOMAN  
** Aren't they?

 **BLONDE  
** I want dem wild-ass muthafuckas.

 **BRUNETTE  
** Sorry. Last pair.

Bitch takes dem n' goes ta tha register; BLONDE WOMAN stares afta her intensely.

EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STORE - DAY  
Da BLONDE WOMAN bigs up tha BRUNETTE WOMAN, whoz ass is now carryin a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass hustlin bag, up ta her car.

 **BLONDE WOMAN  
** Excuse mah dirty ass. I want dem shoes.

 **BRUNETTE WOMAN  
** What, is you crazy, biatch? No.

BLONDE WOMAN attacks, n' grabs tha BRUNETTE WOMAN.

 **BRUNETTE WOMAN  
** What- what tha-?

Da BLONDE WOMAN viciously slams tha BRUNETTE WOMANz head tha fuck into tha windshield of her car. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch cracks open her head n' blood gushes outta her eye socket, stainin tha window. Da BLONDE WOMAN takes tha hustlin bag n' strutts off, unconcerned.


	3. ACT TWO

EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STORE – DAY

POLICEMEN is takin forensic evidence all up in tha cappin' scene as SAM watches yo. Dude goes tha fuck into tha store.

INT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STORE – DAY

DEAN is chattin up a witness, a lil' blonde biatch; he rests a hand on her shoulder..

 **DEAN  
** What happened outside make you realize how tha fuck fragile game straight-up is. Yo ass gots ta make every last muthafuckin second count.

Bitch nods.

SAM approaches, clearin his cold-ass throat.

 **DEAN  
** Excuse me a minute, would yo slick ass?

 **WITNESS**  
(leaving)  
Sure.

 **SAM  
** Dean, what tha fuck is you bustin?

 **DEAN  
** I be comfortin tha bereaved. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! What is you bustin?

 **SAM  
** Workin'. Dead body, possible demon battle- dat kind of stuff.

 **DEAN**  
(coughin pathetically)  
Sam, I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit. It aint nuthin but just, I aint gots much time left, and, uh ... (more theatrical coughing) gots ta make every last muthafuckin second count.

 **SAM**  
(chastened)  
Yeah, right. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sorry.

 **DEAN  
** Apologizzle accepted.

BOBBY entas - up in a suit yo. His afro is slicked back. DEAN n' SAM peep him, impressed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! 

 **DEAN**  
Whoa.  
(whistles)  
Lookin spiffy, Bobby. What was you, a G-man?

 **BOBBY  
** Attorney fo' tha D.A.z crib. I just was rappin ta tha suspect.

 **SAM  
** Yeah, biatch? So, what tha fuck do you think, biatch? Is she possessed or what?

 **BOBBY  
** Don't be thinkin so. Therez none of tha usual signs- no blackouts, no loss of control. Straight-Up lucid. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Just, she straight-up wanted dem shoes. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Spilled a glass of holy wata on her just ta be sure; nothing.

 **DEAN  
** Maybe she just some random whack thang.

 **BOBBY  
** If it had been a isolated incident, maybe yo, but first tha crew, now this, biatch? I believe up in a shitload of thangs. Coincidence ain't one of dem wild-ass muthafuckas. Did yo dirty ass thugs find anythang round here?

 **SAM  
** No sulfur, nothing.

 **DEAN**  
Well, maybe something.  
(he nodz ta a securitizzle camera up in tha ceiling)  
See, biatch? I be working.

INT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SECURITY ROOM

SAM is seated, watchin tha securitizzle footage, as BOBBY n' DEAN hover.

 **DEAN  
** Anythang interesting?

 **SAM**  
I don't give a fuck yet. Might just be a muthafucka...  
(they peep tha REDHEADED MAN approach tha BLONDE WOMAN)  
Or it might be our muthafucka.

EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STORE – DAY

SAM leaves n' strutts up tha street, handz up in his thugged-out lil' pockets, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. RUBY (the mysterious lil' biatch whoz ass had earlier peeped tha house) slips onto tha street nuff muthafuckin paces behind his ass n' bigs up. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM senses dat his thugged-out lil' punk-ass bein followed, stops, n' turns. But she gone, n' da perved-out muthafucka sees not a god damn thang outta tha ordinary. 

EXT. BAR – NIGHT

DEAN n' BOBBY is stakin up a funky-ass bar, chillin up in BOBBY'S car.

 **BOBBY (yawning)  
** What time is it?

 **DEAN  
** Seven past midnight.

 **BOBBY  
** Yo ass shizzle dis is tha right place, biatch? 

 **DEAN  
** No. But I dropped all dizzle canvassin dis wack hood wit dis muthafuckaz wack mug, and, supposedly, da ruffneck dranks at dis ... wack bar.

There be a funky-ass bangin poundin on tha window; BOBBY n' DEAN both jump. Well shiiiit, it is SAM, whoz ass grins at they discomfort n' slips tha fuck into tha back seat.

 **DEAN  
** Thatz not funky hommie!

 **SAM  
** Yeah. Uh, all right, so- so, Jizzy Doez name is Walta Rosen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Dat punk from Oak Park, just westside of Chicago. Went missin on some week ago.

 **DEAN  
** Da night tha Devilz Gate opened?

 **SAM  
** Yeah.

 **DEAN  
** So you be thinkin he possessed?

 **SAM  
** Well, itz a phat bet. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So, what, he just strutts up ta one of mah thugs,touches them, n' they go stark ravin psycho?

 **BOBBY  
** Those demons dat gots up all up in tha gate- they gonna do all kindz of thangs we aint seen.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass mean tha demons we  _let_  out.

 **DEAN**  
(seein something)  
Guys.

REDHEADED MAN gets outta his hoopty n' strutts towardz tha bar.

 **DEAN  
** All right. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Showtime.

 **BOBBY  
** Wait a minute.

 **DEAN  
** What?

 **BOBBY  
** What'd I just say, biatch? Us dudes don't give a fuck what tha fuck ta expect outta dis muthafucka. We should tail his ass till we know fo' sure.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, so he kills one of mah thugs n' our laid-back asses just sit here wit our junk up in our hands?

 **BOBBY  
** We no phat dead hommie! And our asses aint gonna cook up a move until we know what tha fuck tha score is.

 **SAM  
** Yo, Bobby, biatch? I don't be thinkin thatz a option.

 **BOBBY  
** Why not?

SAM nods, indicatin another hoopty dat has just entered tha lot: ISAAC n' TAMARA is headin towardz tha bar.

 **BOBBY  
** Damn dat shiznit son!

INT BAR – NIGHT

A biatch puts a cold lil' woo wop on tha jukebox; tha bartender slides a funky-ass brew towardz REDHEADED MAN, whoz ass is chillin all up in tha bar fo' realz. At a table, a waitress sets down dranks fo' ISAAC n' TAMARA.

 **ISAAC  
** Thanks all muthafuckin day.

 **WAITRESS  
** Yo ass is welcome.

ISAAC pulls up a gangbangin' flask of holy water; TAMARA eyes his muthafuckin ass. REDHEADED MAN strutts past dem towardz tha bathroom.

 **ISAAC  
** Pull tha hoopty up in back. We bout ta be right out.

 **TAMARA  
** I gots a straight-up boner fo' you, biatch.

 **ISAAC  
** I know.

As ISAAC headz towardz tha bathroom, tha BARTENDER grabs his thugged-out arm n' stops his muthafuckin ass. TAMARA standz up alertly.

 **BARTENDER  
** What do you be thinkin you bustin?

 **ISAAC  
** I be just hittin tha head.

 **BARTENDER**  
No.   
(Dude grabs tha flask of holy wata n' tosses it aside)  
I mean, what tha fuck do you be thinkin you bustin here, biatch?   
(His eyes flash black; TAMARA standz behind ISAAC n' they both recoil up in fear)  
I don't like huntas up in mah bar.

Da huntas turn ta peep tha WAITRESS stalkin towardz them, n' peep dat tha rest of tha hommies n' patrons have turned towardz dem wild-ass muthafuckas. REDHEADED MAN strutts back outta tha bathroom yo. Dude n' any suckas up in tha bar close up in round them; all have black demon-eyes.

There be a funky-ass bangin poundin on tha door n' mah playas turns towardz dat shit.

EXT. BAR – NIGHT

BOBBY n' DEAN slam theyselves against tha door, tryin ta force it open.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

 **REDHEADED MAN  
** Man, you  _really_  strutted tha fuck into tha wack place.


	4. ACT THREE

INT. BAR – NIGHT

 **WAITRESS  
** Hold on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I wanna bust a nut on tha girl.

 **REDHEADED MAN  
** Wish I had mah crazy ass a hoe like all dis bullshit.

 **WAITRESS  
** I can be thinkin of on some thousand thangs I'd like ta do ta her muthafuckin ass.

 **ISAAC  
** Yo ass aint gonna lay one filthy finger on her son!

 **PLAID-SHIRT-GUY**  
(approachin ISAAC)  
I gots suttin' fo' you, biatch.  
(he lifts a big-ass forty of drain cleaner)  
Here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho yo. Have a thugged-out drank on me, hmm?

 **TAMARA**  
(panicked)  
Isaac?

 **REDHEADED MAN  
** On tha doggy den biaatch!

 **TAMARA**  
(restrained by tha WAITRESS)  
Isaac!

ISAAC takes tha forty n' begins pourin its contents down his cold-ass throat, as TAMARA screams up in tha background n' tha demons cackle wildly.

 **TAMARA  
** Isaac, no! Baby, please biaatch!

ISAAC drains tha bottle, bobbin, n' drops it ta tha floor yo. Dude gags up in agony, foamy liquid n' blood bubblin up all up in his crazy-ass grill yo. Dude chokes n' collapses ta tha floor, dead as fuckin fried chicken.

 **REDHEADED MAN**  
Oh, da ruffneck down!  
(to TAMARA)  
All right, honey. Yo crazy-ass turn!

With a screech of tires, BOBBY'S hoopty bursts all up in tha front door of tha bar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. DEAN, SAM, n' BOBBY git out, armed wit holy water, which they flin violently tha fuck into tha crowd of demons. They back up n' SAM grabs TAMARA, whoz ass is still beatboxin frantically fo' ISAAC.

 **SAM**  
Come on, we gots ta go! Dat punk dead hommie! Git up in tha hoopty son!  
(seein DEAN still immersed up in tha fight)  
Dean, come on!  
DEAN! COME ON!

DEAN has entered combat wit tha REDHEADED MAN; he opens tha trunk just as he runs outta holy water; REDHEADED MAN grins. DEAN overpowers his ass n' stuffs his ass up in tha trunk, which is inscribed wit a DEVIL'S TRAP. RHM screams. Boy it's gettin hot, yes indeed it is. DEAN tumblez tha fuck into tha front seat of tha car.

 **DEAN  
** Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

They drive back out. Da demons stare afta them, black-eyed n' panting.

INT. ISAAC AND TAMARA'S – NIGHT

RHM is tied ta a cold-ass lil chair under a DEVIL'S TRAP on tha ceiling; up in tha next room, a argument is ongoing.

 **TAMARA  
**.. fo' realz. And I say we goin back- now!

 **SAM  
** Just hold on a second dawwwg!

 **TAMARA  
** I left mah homeboy bloody on tha floor son!

 **SAM  
** Okay, I KNOW dat yo, but we can't go back.

 **TAMARA  
** Fine. Then you stay. But I be headin back ta dat bar.

 **DEAN  
** I be bout ta go wit her muthafuckin ass.

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but suicide, Dean!

 **DEAN  
** So what, biatch? I be dead already hommie!

 **SAM  
** How tha fuck you gonna bust a cap up in 'em, biatch? Can't blast 'em. Yo ass can't stab 'em. They're not just gonna wait up in line ta git exorcised dawwwg!

 **TAMARA  
** I couldn't give a fuckin shiznit biaatch!

 **SAM  
** Us dudes don't even know how tha fuck nuff of dem there is biaatch!

 **BOBBY**  
(entering)  
Yeah, our phat asses do. Therez seven. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Do you have any scam whoz ass we up against?

 **DEAN  
** No. Who?

 **BOBBY  
** Da seven deadly sins, live n' up in tha flesh!

 **DEAN**  
(pauses, grins)  
"Whatz up in tha box?!"  
(awkward silence)  
Brad Pizzle, biatch? "Se7en", biatch? No?  
(Bobby tosses his ass a funky-ass book)  
Whatz this?

 **BOBBY  
** "Binsfeldz Classification of Demons." In 1589, Binsfeld ID'd tha seven sins- not just as human vices but as actual devils. 

 **SAM  
** Da crew- they was touched by Sloth fo' realz. And tha shopper...

 **BOBBY  
** Thatz Envyz bustin- tha hustla we gots up in tha next room. I couldn't suss it up at first, until Isaac yo. Dude was touched wit a wack Gluttony.

 **TAMARA  
** I don't give a ratz ass if they tha Three Stooges or tha Four Tops muthafucka! I'ma slaughta every last muthafuckin last one of them!

 **BOBBY**  
We already done did it yo' way. Yo ass burst up in there half-cocked n' look what tha fuck happened hommie! These demons aint been topside up in half a millennium! We poppin' off medieval, Dark Ages muthafucka! We've never faced anythang close ta this muthafucka! So we is gonna take a funky-ass breath...  
(shouting)  
And git into what tha fuck our next move is!

TAMARA n' BOBBY stare at each other.

 **BOBBY**  
(quietly)  
I be sorry fo' yo' loss.

TAMARA, wack, strutts outta tha room.

DEAN n' SAM peep each other.

 

INT. DEMON-HOLDING ROOM

 **ENVY**  
(chuckling)  
So you know whoz ass I am, huh?

 **BOBBY  
** Us dudes do. We not impressed.

(No response)

 **SAM  
** Why is you here, biatch? What is you after?

 **DEAN  
** Dude axed you a question. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. What do you want?

ENVY chucklez condescendingly; DEAN opens a gangbangin' flask of holy wata n' splashes his muthafuckin ass.

 **ENVY  
** Ya! Ahh! Ungh .... We already have ... (panting) what tha fuck we want.

 **DEAN  
** Whatz that?

 **ENVY  
** We out. We free. Thanks ta you, mah kind is everywhere, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. I be legion, fo' we is many. (chuckles) So me, I be just celebratin yo. Havin a lil fun.

 **SAM  
** Fun?

 **ENVY  
** Yeah. Fun. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. See, some playas crochet. Others golf. Me, biatch? I gotta peep peoplez insides ... on they outside.

 **TAMARA  
** I'ma put you down like a thugged-out dog.

 **ENVY**  
Please.  
(laughs)  
Yo ass straight-up be thinkin you betta than mah dirty ass.  
(laughs)  
Which one of y'all can cast tha straight-up original gangsta stone, huh, biatch? What bout you, Dean, biatch? Yo ass is practically a, a struttin billboard of gluttony n' lust. (DEAN nods, up in acknowledgement.) And Tamara fo' realz. All dat wrath. Oohh. (tongue clicks, tsk,tsk,tsk.) It aint nuthin but tha reason you n' Isaac became huntas up in tha straight-up original gangsta place, aint it, biatch? It aint nuthin but so much easier ta ... drank up in tha rage than ta grill what tha fuck straight-up happened all dem muthafuckin years ago.

Face twisted up in anger, TAMARA smacks him, hard, twice, until DEAN n' BOBBY pull her back.

 **ENVY**  
Aah! Whew!  
(laughs)  
My fuckin point exactly fo' realz. And you call our asses sins. We not sins, man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. We is natural human instinct fo' realz. And you can repress n' deny our asses all you want yo, but tha real deal is, yo ass is just muthafuckas yo. Horny... greedy... hungry... violent muthafuckas fo' realz. And you know what, biatch? You'll be slaughtered like muthafuckas, like a muthafucka.   
(pause)  
Da others- they comin fo' mah dirty ass.

 **DEAN**  
Maybe. But they not gonna find you, biatch... 'cause you gonna be up in hell.  
(RHD looks taken aback.)  
Someone bust dis clown packing.

 **TAMARA**  
My fuckin pleasure.  
(begins reading)  
Exorcizamus te,  
Omnis immundus spiritus,  
omnis satanica...

As dat thugged-out biiiatch continues, tha others leave n' ENVY screams.

INT. NEXT ROOM

 **BOBBY  
** I don't be thinkin we gonna gotta worry bout hustlin dem wild-ass muthafuckas.

 **SAM  
** What do dat mean?

 **BOBBY  
** I be thinkin maybe dis jokerz right. They're gonna be hustlin our asses fo' realz. And they not gonna quit easy as fuck .

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass muthafuckas, why don't you take Tamara n' head fo' tha hills, biatch? I be bout ta stay back, slow dem down, loot you a lil time.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass is insane, Dean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Just forget bout it, aiiight?

 **BOBBY  
** Samz right.

 **DEAN  
** Therez  _six_  of them, muthafuckas. We outmanned, we outgunned. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! We bout ta be dead by dawn.

 **BOBBY  
** Maybe yo, but ... there be a no place ta run dat they won't find us. 

 **SAM  
** Look, if we goin down, we goin down together, all right?

 **DEAN  
** Well letz not make it easy as fuck fo' dem wild-ass muthafuckas.

From tha other room, ENVY gives a gangbangin' final scream; tha doggy den shakes n' a gust blows up tha candles. TAMARA slams tha book shut n' comes tha fuck into tha other room.

 **TAMARA  
** Demonz outta tha muthafucka.

 **SAM  
** And tha muthafucka?

 **TAMARA**  
(coldly)  
Dude didn't make dat shit.

LATER, DEAN is seated on tha floor wit a row of candlez behind him, loadin a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shotgun. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM be across tha room fillin flasks wit holy gin n juice n' shiznit yo. Dude looks over at DEAN, whoz ass is lookin back at his muthafuckin ass. They peep each other silently fo' a moment until tha lights begin ta flicker n' shit. They look around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! An oldschool radio sparks ta game, playin tha beginningz of a scratchy recordin of "We Shall Not Be Moved".

 **DEAN**  
(cockin tha shotgun n' standing)  
Here we go.

 **MUSIC:**  
_"I shall be, I shall not be moved._  
I shall be, I shall not be moved.  
Like a tree thatz planted by tha water,  
I shall not be moved.  
I shall be, I shall not be moved.  
Like a tree thatz planted by tha water,  
I shall not be moved."

Da noize skits faintly until ...

OUTSIDE, a thugged-out demon up in ISAAC'S body approaches.

 **!ISAAC  
** Tamara! Tamara! Tamara! Tamara! Help me biaaatch! Pleeeeeeease biaaatch! 

Anguished, she looks back at BOBBY, n' up tha window again. 


	5. ACT FOUR

EXT yo. HOUSE – NIGHT

 **!ISAAC  
** Tamara! I gots away yo, but I be hurt bad hommie! I need help!

 **BOBBY**  
(to Tamara)  
It aint nuthin but not his muthafuckin ass. It aint nuthin but one of dem demons. It aint nuthin but possessin his corpse.

!ISAAC poundz on tha door.

 **!ISAAC  
** Baby dawwwwg! Why won't you let me in, biatch? Yo ass left me behind back there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho yo. How tha fuck could you do that, biatch? We swore .. fo' realz. At dat lake up in Michigan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Remember, biatch? We swore we would never leave each other son!

 **TAMARA**  
(sobbing, turnin ta tha others)  
How tha fuck did he know that?

 **BOBBY  
** Steady, Tamara. Steady, Tamara, steady, steady.... 

 **!ISAAC  
** Yo ass just gonna leave me up here, biatch? Yo ass just gonna let me die?! I guess thatz what tha fuck you do, dear playa! Like dat night dem thangs came ta our house... came ... fo' our daughter playa! Yo ass just let her die, like a muthafucka.

 **TAMARA (screaming)  
** Yo ass lil hustla of a funky-ass biiiatch!

 **BOBBY  
** Tamara, no!

Bitch pushes tha door open, breakin tha salt line, n' tackles !Isaac down tha steps. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch landz on top of his ass n' raises tha Palo Santo stake.

 **TAMARA  
** Yo ass aint Isaac!

Bitch plunges tha wood deep tha fuck into his chest; it sizzles, n' da perved-out muthafucka screams.

Da other six demons cross tha fucked up salt line n' enta tha house. One, a overweight baldin muthafucka, corners Bobby, whoz ass backs up slowly yo. Dude stalks Bobby confidently, smiling, until da perved-out muthafucka stops as if he run tha fuck into a invisible wall yo. Dude looks around, confused. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude is under another ceiling-devil's-trap yo. Dude looks at Bobby, pleading. Bobby smiles.

 **BOBBY  
** Fat, faded, n' wack is no way ta go all up in game, son.

In another hallway, DEAN is cornered by tha waitress (LUST). They fight; she advances on his muthafuckin ass.

Meanwhile, BOBBY begins readin tha exorcizzle fo' SLOTH, tha demon dat schmoooove muthafucka has trapped.

 **BOBBY  
** Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica...

SLOTH screams.

DEAN is backed tha fuck into tha bathroom.

 **DEAN  
** I suppose you Lust.

 **LUST  
** Baby, I be whatever you want me ta be.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, all right, just stay back.

 **LUST  
** Or what?

 **DEAN  
** Dope point.

 **LUST  
** I aint gonna break ma foot off up in yo ass- not yet. Not unless you want me to.

Bitch runs a hand along his shoulder; he looks down at her, then falls tha fuck into her embrace. They lick passionately.

Upstairs, a thugged-out demon kicks a thugged-out door up in clear across tha room. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM looks round as tha demon - a lil' playa up in a funky-ass bidnizz suit - enters.

 **BUSINESS SUITED DEMON  
** Herez Jizzy hommie!

Dude advances confidently as SAM backs up; then stops, holdin up a hand ta hold back tha two demons flankin his muthafuckin ass yo. Dude looks up ta tha devilz trap on tha ceilin n' smirks.

 **BSD  
** Come on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass straight-up be thinkin suttin' like dat is gonna fool one of mah thugs like me son, biatch? I mean,  _me_?

 **SAM  
** Let me guess- you Pride.

PRIDE grins n' gestures ta tha ceilin fo' realz. A long splittin crack appears, beatin tha livin shiznit outta tha symbol.

 **PRIDE  
** Hmm. Da root of all sin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. And you ... is Sam Winchesta n' shit. Thatz right, I've heard of you, biatch. We've all heard of you, biatch. Da prodigy. Da pimp mackdaddy. Lookin at you now, I gots ta rap- don't believe tha hype. Yo ass be thinkin i'm gonna bow ta a cold-ass lil cut-rate, piss-poor human like yo slick ass, biatch? I have mah pride, afta all fo' realz. And now wit yo' yellow-eyed playa dead, I guess I don't straight-up gotta do a thugged-out damn thang, now do I, biatch? (SAM looks nervous.)Yo ass is fair game now, boy, n' itz open season.

MEANWHILE, up in tha bathroom, DEAN is backin up, still humpin' LUST, backin up until dat schmoooove muthafucka hits a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shower curtain. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. In one move he flips dem around, pulls open tha shower curtain, n' plunges her face-first tha fuck into tha bathtub. Well shiiiit, it is filled wit holy water; her big-ass booty screams up in agony.

UPSTAIRS, PRIDE knocks SAM ta tha ground, then pulls his ass up wit a arm wrapped round his cold-ass throat n' begins stranglin his muthafuckin ass. Da mysterious lil' biatch (remember her, biatch? Biatch whose name might be RUBY?) appears, a knife strapped ta her right thigh. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch pulls tha knife out, grits her teeth, n' slashes tha throat of tha straight-up original gangsta demon (GLUTTONY). Fiery light appears up in tha cut, n' he goes down - dead as fuckin fried chicken.

 **GREED (a demon up in a biatchz body) turns towardz RUBY n' say up in recognition:  
** You!

RUBY turns ta tha SECOND DEMON, GREED, whoz ass punches her twice; RUBY is knocked away, then rushes towardz GREED n' plunges tha knife tha fuck into GREEDz chest, pullin upwardz towardz her chain. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. GREED also goes down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. PRIDE lets SAM git all up in tackle RUBY; SAM pulls his ass away n' punches his ass up in tha face, puttin his ass right tha fuck into tha path of RUBYz knife. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch plunges it tha fuck into his neck n' upward tha fuck into his crazy-ass grill (all up in his neck); he gargles, openin his crazy-ass grill n' showin tha knife up in it; n' then collapses up in a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shower of sparks n' demonic juice.

 **SAM (panting)  
** Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck tha hell is yo slick ass?

 **RUBY  
** I be tha hoe dat just saved yo' ass.

 **SAM  
** Well, I just saved yours, like a muthafucka.

 **RUBY**  
(chuckles)  
See you around, Sam.

 **SAM  
** Wait playa!

Dude goes tha fuck into tha hall ta follow her yo, but she be already gone. 


	6. ACT FIVE

EXT yo. HOUSE – DAY

Da next morning, SAM n' DEAN pile tha corpsez of tha demons dat didn't survive tha fuck into a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shallow pit n' begin pourin salt n' gin n juice over dem wild-ass muthafuckas. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Several yardz away, TAMARA is standin up in front of a gangbangin' funderal pyre: ISAAC'S.

 **SAM  
** Think she gonna be all right?

 **DEAN  
** No. Definitely not.

BOBBY comes outta tha house, lookin exhausted.

 **DEAN  
** Well, you be lookin like hell warmed over.

 **BOBBY  
** Yo ass try exorcisin all night n' peep how tha fuck you feel.

 **SAM  
** Any survivors, Bobby?

 **BOBBY  
** Well, tha pretty hoe n' tha heavy muthafucka, they'll make dat shit. Lifetime of therapy bills ahead yo, but, still...

 **DEAN  
** Thatz mo' than you can say fo' these skanky bastards.

 **SAM  
** Bobby, dat knife- what tha fuck kind of blade can bust a cap up in a thugged-out demon?

 **BOBBY  
** Yesterday, I would have holla'd there was no such thang.

 **DEAN  
** I be just gonna ask it again n' again n' again- whoz ass was dat maxed chick, biatch? Actually, tha mo' troublin question would be, how tha fuck come a hoe can fight betta than yo slick ass?

 **SAM  
** (chuckles) Three demons, Dean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. At once.

 **DEAN (slappin SAM on his shoulder)  
** Yo, whatever it takes ta git you all up in tha night, pal.

 **SAM  
** Yeah, well, if you want a troublin question, I gots one fo' you, biatch.

 **DEAN  
** Whatz that?

 **SAM  
** If our slick asses let up tha seven deadly sins, what tha fuck else did our slick asses let out?

(pause)

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass is right. That is troubling.

DEAN lights a matchbook n' tosses it onto tha pyre.

LATER, tha bonfires have settled down n' they prepare ta muthafuckin bounce.

 **TAMARA  
** See you gents around.

 **BOBBY**  
Tamara, biatch? (she stops ta hear him)  
Da ghetto just gots a shitload scarier n' shit. Be careful.

 **TAMARA  
** Yo ass like a muthafucka.

Bitch gets up in her hoopty n' takes off.

 **BOBBY  
** Keep yo' eyes peeled fo' omens. I be bout ta do tha same.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass gots dat shit.

 **SAM  
** Wait, Bobby. We can win dis war. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Right?

 **BOBBY**  
(afta a pause, not answerin tha question, durin which they all look uncomfortable n' worried)  
Catch you on tha next one.

 **DEAN  
** So, where to?

 **SAM  
** Uh, I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. I was thankin Louisiana maybe.

 **DEAN  
** Little early fo' Mardi Gras, aint it?

 **SAM  
** Yeah. Listen, I was poppin' off ta Tamara, n' she mentioned dis hoodoo priestess outside of Shreveport dat might be able ta help our asses out. Yo ass know, wit yo'- wit yo' demon deal.

 **DEAN  
** Nah.

 **SAM  
** "Nah", biatch? What do dat mean,"nah"?

 **DEAN  
** Sam, no hoodoo spellz gonna break dis deal, all right, biatch? It aint nuthin but a goose chase.

 **SAM  
** Yeah yo, but our phat asses don't give a fuck that, Dean-

 **DEAN (cuttin his ass off)  
** Yes, our phat asses do. Forget dat shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch can't help.

 **SAM (tryin ta cut in)  
** Look, itz worth-

 **DEAN (speakin over SAM)  
** We not going, n' thatz dis shit. What bout Reno, huh?

DEAN smacks SAM on tha arm lightly n' turns ta strutt away.  
SAM grabs his sleeve n' turns DEAN back ta grill his muthafuckin ass.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass know what, biatch? I've had dat shit. Ya Mom shoulda told ya, I been bendin over backwardz tryin ta be sick ta you, n' ... (shrugs) ... I couldn't give a fuckin shiznit no mo'.

 **DEAN  
** That didn't last long.

 **SAM  
** Yeah, well, you know what, biatch? I've been bustin mah ass tryin ta keep you kickin it, Dean, n' you act like you couldn't care less. What, you gots some kind of dirtnap wish or something?

 **DEAN  
** Fuck dat shit, it aint like all dis bullshit.

 **SAM  
** Then whatz it like, Dean?

 **DEAN  
** Sam-

 **SAM  
** Please, tell mah dirty ass.

 **DEAN  
** We trap tha crossroadz demon, trick it, try ta welch our way outta tha deal up in any way, biatch? (close on SAMz face, whoz ass looks stunned) Yo ass take a thugged-out dirt nap. Okay, biatch? Yo ass take a thugged-out dirt nap. Those is tha terms. Boy it's gettin hot, yes indeed it is. Therez no way outta dat shit. If you try ta find a way, so help me god,  _I'm_  gonna stop you, biatch.

 **SAM**  
(sighs)  
How tha fuck could you make dat deal, Dean?

 **DEAN  
** 'Cause I couldn't live wit you dead as fuckin fried chicken. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Couldn't do dat shit.

 **SAM  
** So, what, now I live n' you die?

 **DEAN  
** Thatz tha general idea, yeah.

 **SAM  
** Yeah, well, you a hypocrite, Dean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. How tha fuck did you feel when Dad sold his thugged-out ass fo' yo slick ass, biatch? 'Cause I was there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. I remember n' shit. Yo ass was twisted, n' broken. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. And now you go n' do tha same thang. To mah dirty ass. (pause) What you did was selfish.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, you right. Dat shiznit was selfish. But I be aiiight wit all dis bullshit.

 **SAM  
** I be not.

 **DEAN  
** Tough cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce fo' realz. Afta every last muthafuckin thang I've done fo' dis crew, I be thinkin I be entitled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! (pause) Truth is, I be tired, Sam. I don't give a fuck, itz like there be a a, a light all up in tha end of tha tunnel.

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but hellfire, Dean.

 **DEAN  
** Whatever n' shit. Yo ass is kickin it, I feel phat- fo' tha last time up in a long-ass time. I gots a year ta live, Sam. I'd like ta make da most thugged-out of dat shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So what tha fuck do you say we bust a cap up in some evil lil playaz of biiiatches n' we raise a lil hell, huh?

DEAN smilez n' nodz ta SAM n' strutts on ta tha car.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass is unbelievable.

 **DEAN (pauses, smiling)  
** Straight-up true.

DEAN opens tha driver side door n' rock noize starts ta play. Dude starts tha hoopty as SAM strutts, frustratedly, ta tha passenger side n' gets in.


End file.
